Last updated: 12/07/19 Edit 32: Couldn't help myself. Added Urban Jurgënsen and Manufacture Royale. Thread is archived so no promises, but feel free to message me with any requests!
A. Lange & Söhne: You work in investments, but nowhere as common as Wall Street. You have been known to casually ask to compare balance bridges with Patek owners.
Alpina: You are subscribed to Outside magazine, and can quote passages from Krakauer’s “Into the Wild” by by heart. You own a pair of serious hiking boots, but they languish in your closet, unworn and unmuddied. You could not afford a Rolex Explorer. If pressed, you would not be able to articulate why anyone would actually need an “Alpinist” watch.
Audemars Piguet: You are a rapper, and you think the brand name is “Royal Oak”.
Apple Watch: You are either a secretary or nine-figure earning CEO at a Fortune 500 company. You use your Apple Watch Series 4 to track both your weekly jogs and chicken roasts. You are vaguely familiar with the idea that other, “old-fashioned” watches exist, but assume they will soon disappear once they are no longer repaired by their manufacturers.
Azimuth: Your two most treasured possessions are an autographed photo of Leonard Nimoy and a replica copy of the Voyager probe Golden Record. You can only dream of owning an MB&F.
Ball: As you walk through your LED lit hallway, down the stairs illuminated by motion sensing flood lamps, and towards your basement model train table outfitted with 3000 Lumen overhead halogen bulbs, you’re gladly reassured by your watch's Tritium lume - for the brief second it takes to find the switch.
Balticus: You are either a metrosexual 20-something working in Warsaw, or a teenage boy living in rural Estonia. You don’t get to play with your Overwatch team as much as you’d like due to the time difference. You dream of moving to Berlin or New York.
Baume et Mercier: You were touched when your wife got you a Clifton for your wedding. You have since gotten a Rolex, but wear your B&M on special occasions. Thankfully, she got you an automatic, not a quartz.
Bell & Ross: You think IWCs are a pale imitation of a Boeing 767 flight instrument. You want to wear the entire flight panel.
Blancpain: Let’s be real, unless you're Vladimir Putin, the only watch you wear from this brand is the Fifty Fathoms - and it never goes near water.
Bovet: You are the president of an esteemed French bank, say, Société Générale. While browsing the shops near your villa in Nice, you came across a lovely Fleurier, which you bought without even considering a discount. So much less common than a Breguet.
Breitling: You aspire to be a pilot. You think the Breitling Emergency is the coolest watch ever made. You are unfamiliar with the term “in-house”.
Bremont: You are an Anglophile. After purchasing two models from the boutique, you are hoping one day to be invited to a Townhouse event. You are either blissfully unaware, or painfully so, of the concept of “resale value”. Though you publicly state it doesn’t matter, you are secretly jealous that Tudor is moving in-house. Even you are somewhat embarrassed by their origin story.
Breguet: You properly pronounce “Tourbillon”. You cringe when others refer to dial markings as mere “Arabic numerals”. You wish more people understood the history of horology. Your dream is to visit Paris.
Bulova: You are either a middle-aged man obsessively collecting the 1970's Accutrons of your youth, or you picked this up from the jewelry counter at Kohl's - with a coupon.
Burberry: You are either a skinny-tie wearing American office drone, or a Chav named Derek living in Slough. In either scenario, you believe the checkmark on the dial exudes class.
BVLGARI - Men's: You wanted a watch that looked like a Diesel, but more expensive.
BVLGARI - Women's: While you already have a diamond Datejust, you wanted something a little flashier to go with your evening-wear Chanel handbag. You delight in correcting others when they attempt to read the name on the dial. Even watch geeks will admit your Serpanti is kind of cool.
Carl F. Bucherer: You are a Chinese national who has never visited the United States. Your uncle’s textile factory has vaunted your family into the upper-middle classes, and it is expected that you project a certain image to distinguish yourself from the commoners. The saleswoman assured you that your Manero is for “a man of distinction” and will fit perfectly with your other internationally recognized luxury item, your cherry-red Buick GL8 Sedan.
Cartier: You like beautiful things, and are possibly a woman.
Casio: In school, your glasses were held together with Scotchtape, and the mechanical pencil in your shirt-front pocket always jammed, but your trusty Calculator Watch never failed. You are shocked that others are copying your look ironically.
Certina: You are the 33-year old manager of a Coop supermarket outside of Davos, Switzerland. While you believe fancy watches are for tourists, your Powermatic was listed “Uhren 50% Rabatt!” and looks pretty sweet.
Chanel: When you awake, you reach for your bottle of No. 5 - sprayed at the pulse points - before you check your phone. You love your ceramic white J12 for the way it effortlessly graces most of your outfits. You spend most days at work surreptitiously surfing TheRealReal, desperately trying to emulate your idol, Coco, on the cheap. Secretly, you wish the whole Nazi collaborator thing was just an ugly rumor.
Chopard: When you got engaged, you insisted on a “Chopard for Love” ring in a platinum setting. While your finance-bro fiancee couldn’t be there on the special day, he gave you a Happy Diamonds to go with it on your three-year anniversary. He will marry you. Eventually. Right?
Christiaan Van Der Klaauw: You are an unusually successful astrophysicist with a NY Times bestselling book. You wear you hair at a rakish angle, and unabashedly use the phase “a priori” in everyday conversation. You actually understand the concept of Sideral time. You first heard of the brand from the oligarch who endowed your research chair using laundered Petro dollars.
Christopher Ward: You can’t afford to spend more than $1K on a watch. You’ve come to actually love your Trident. Secretly, you think the new logo makes your watch look like a toy.
Citizen: You work for NASA, and your job is to set the clocks on the GPS satellites.
Concord: The year is 1986. While all the other middle-managers are celebrating their promotions with Trans Ams, women, or Rolexs, you chose the Concord Saratoga. Placing the leftover cash into Lincoln Savings and Loan bonds and a custom suit with serious shoulder pads, you choose to invest in things that last.
Corum: You spend most days at your estate's dock, "working" on your teak-decked Sloop, so much so that your wife - for whose birthday you bought a subscription to Sail magazine - calls your Coxswain when she wishes to find you. You exclusively wear Sperry’s and have been known to sport a racing flag tie unironically. You know nothing about watches.
Cuervo y Sobrinos: You are a third generation Cuban-American named Jorge living in Buena Vista, Miami. You drink Bacardi Gold as you grill pulled pork at cookouts and play dominos with your Abuelo. You chose your Rubusto to honor your family, culture, and heritage. Secretly, you’re terrified that someone might find out your legal name is George - and that you speak no Spanish.
Damasko: You earnestly believe that form must always follow function. You lament the paucity of good quality, acid-resistant PVD watches on the market. As you wear steel-toed hiking boots daily, you wouldn’t be caught dead handling, much less wearing, a gold dress watch.
Daniel Wellington: You are a millennial who is into latte art. You think Humphrey Bogart looked so cool in old movies with his suit and trench coat. You are unaware of the terms "quartz" or "automatic". If you're honest, you had a hard time choosing your watch, as they all look the same on the website. You pay $5 a pop at the jewelry store to change Nato straps, which you recently got into.
De Bethune: You successfully sold your internet company - with no revenue, let alone income - for $450 million dollars. You love technology, shiny things, and the color blue. You have a life-size replica of the Star Trek: The Next Generation bridge in your Rec room.
Diesel: You are either a teenager with vociferous opinions on the PC vs. Console gaming wars, or a playboy far too busy dating multiple women simultaneously to know what that is.
Dornblüth & Sohn: You own a grandfather clock, which you wind daily. Your have the same opinion on Roman numerals as on your ex-wife - cluttered, fussy, and confusing. You drive a vintage BMW - in your opinion, the epitome of a functional automobile - before the snazzy marketing made them much too flashy.
Ebel: Fresh out of law school, you just got your first associate-level job at a big firm. You wanted something pretty but professional to wear to work. You are confused as to why on dates, men excitedly ask to see your watch, then get close, look disappointed, and say ”oh…an Ebel...”.
Edox/Mido: You are a 23 year old German man, fresh out of the University of Heidelberg. Your starter job and soon to be expiring student benefits did not allow you to stretch for a Longines. The salesman’s face visibly fell when you walked through his door.
Eterna: Your KonTiki was a Jomashop 75% off gamble. You have since become a fanboy, going so far as to grow a beard and voraciously reading Thor Heyerdahl's memoirs. You will order a nature survival kit, tent, and water purification pills online before you lose all interest and snuggle back up to your PS4.
Fortis: You are a young German man living in Düsseldorf. You saved up quite a few paychecks at your Aldi managerial job to afford your Stratoliner. You wish the SR-71 Blackbird was still around. You have re-watched Top Gun 23 times, while imagining that your handle would be “The Baron”. If you ever actually visited an American airbase, you would be disgusted with the wastefulness and vow never to return.
Fossil: You are a 25 year old man at your first job. Your workplace has open-plan offices and “Sunday Fundays”. You carefully buckle up your leather watch before dates, and make sure it shows under your cuff.
Franck Muller: You are a jocular pediatrician, or possibly, a professional clown. You have a weakness for Tonneau cases and Art Deco numerals.
Frederique Constant: You could not afford a JLC Master Ultra Thin Moon, so you got this instead. You are unsuccessfully trying to make a 42mm dress watch work for your wrist. You were shocked, and a little disappointed, when you learned that the company was founded in 1988.
Garmin: You are subscribed to Men's Health and GQ. Before leaving for work, you lace up your running sneakers and strap on your Forerunner in case you can get a quick run in on the way home. This never happens. Your Bowflex sits quietly in your garage, gleaming and untouched.
Ginault: You spent $1,449 on a Rolex Submariner Homage. You while away countless man-hours on the forums, defending the brand from baseless accusations. You will ultimately purchase Hulk, Pepsi, and Daytona homages from other brands, and with time, will have spent more on replicas than the cost of the real thing.
Girard-Perregaux: You swear that the Laureato is “the next Overseas”, and that the Golden Bridges are an under appreciated masterpiece. You purposely chose a 1966 over a JLC Master Ultra Thin. Secretly, you wonder if you made a mistake.
Glashütte Original: You, overall, cannot afford a Lange.
Glycine: You’ve outgrown the flashy Invicta's of your youth, but are still hesitant to go smaller than 46mm in a watch. Secretly, the vaguely military associations of your Combat Sub mildly arouse you. If he were alive to see it, Eugène Meylan would throw an egg at your face.
Glycine - Vintage: You live in an old age home, with your WWII Purple Heart and military induction papers tucked away discreetly in a corner. You still wear the Airman which you bought on the base at Ramstein in ’49. Sadly, your grandson only visits to eye it covetously.
Graham: You couldn’t resist a watch whose crown is easily confused with a grenade’s firing pin. Your Volkswagen Golf has vanity plates and a silkscreened pin-up on the rear window. You have a shrine to your grandfather in your room, a WWII vet with the British Expeditionary Force, though he only got to flee Dunkirk. Even you suspect the “Watchmakers Since 1659” claim is crap.
Grand Seiko: You think a Spring Drive is the coolest thing since sliced bread. You frequently photograph your Cocktail Time with your Sony camera or, in a pinch, your latest generation iPhone. You have bookmarked Youtube videos of the Grand Seiko factory - in case you meet someone with a Swiss made watch who needs a little convincing. You wish Seiko would do marketing better.
Grönefeld: While trained at RADA, you have peaked as a recognizable, but under-appreciated Hollywood actor. You have impeccable taste and a thing for Salmon dials. You wanted something dressier than your sponsored but boring Omega to wear to the Met Gala.
G-Shock: You are a junior in college, or an emergency room physician. You delight in taking your G-Shock to watch meet-ups, to the horror of the traditionalists. You recently took up mountain biking just to post Instagram photos of your watch on the trails.
H. Moser & Cie: You have a mischievous sense of humor, and in high school, were known to film pranks you pulled on your friends. You have an insatiable weakness for fume dials. While you can’t quite put your finger on it, you suspect the brand will be worth a lot in coming years - or so you tell anyone who will listen. Deep down, you are terrified your Endeavor might just be a passing fad.
Hamilton: You recently graduated college. You spent hours on the watch forums, debating between this or a Longines. You finally settled on the JazzmasteKhaki, though the salesman couldn't tell you anything about it. The highlight of your life was when a random woman on a date said, “nice watch”. You almost married her.
Hautlence: You have a game room in your Park Avenue, per-war classic six filled with pinball machines. You wear pink glasses, to let your underlings at your Goldman Sachs job know that you can be “cool” too. You are not.
Hermes: You are either a perfumer living in the Montmarte district of Paris, or an American woman with an unerringly good fashion sense.
Hublot: You are, simply, wrong.
HYT: You are a successful electrical engineer with lucrative patents to your name, or an internet startup founder that actually solved and monetized a hard problem in computer science. You love nothing more than to hand your H1.0 over to curious passerby, while pontificating upon the intricacies of fluid dynamics.
Invicta - Type 1: You are a non-watch geek dad in a suburban shopping mall. You wanted to get "something nice" for yourself. You find sub 46mm watches "too girly". You enjoy explaining to others, with wide-eyed delight, how your watch is powered by "moving your arm".
Invicta - Type 2: You are in high school, without a summer job. You think the Rolex Submariner is the perfect modern, go anywhere, do anything watch. You feel ostracized on the watch forums, but can’t help but smile when you see your Pro Diver on your wrist.
IWC: You are openly not a pilot, but enjoy having an altimeter strapped to your wrist.
Jacob & Co: You are a formerly successful, now destitute rapper. You pawned this watch at a significant loss.
Jaeger-LeCoultre: You exclusively dress in suits, except on bank holidays, when you wear chinos and your Reverso. You are frequently found on watch forums extolling “the watchmaker's watchmaker” virtues. You think 100M of waterproofing is all anyone should ever need. Your will instructs your heirs to bury you with your Atmos clock, as they surely won’t appreciate it. You hope one day to be able to roll your R’s like the guy in the boutique.
Jaquet Droz: You are either a well diversified collector, or an Arabian Shiek from an oil rich kingdom. If the latter, your other watch is a Rolex Daytona Rainbow with diamond bezel.
Johan Eric: You googled “watch” on Amazon and this is the first thing you found with Prime shipping. In general, you are decidedly not picky, both in watches and in life.
JS Watch Co: While you used to have a very generous circle of friends, your incessant droning on about your trip to Iceland and the sweet Frisland you scored there soured even your most steadfast companions. You now spend most days online, nostalgically looking at Tripadvisor reviews for restaurants in Reykjavik, or re-watching the Lord of the Rings for the twelfth time.
Junghans: You were just hired by a big design firm, but on a starter salary. You visit your local art museum on “free admission weekends”, and hang around free gallery shows. You have a small tattoo on your right bicep. You hope to upgrade to a Nomos one day.
Klasse14: You favorite Instagram influencer subtly bombarded you with sponsored posts showcasing the brand. You hope your Miss Volare will one day star in your own epic selfie in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Kobold: Your “keeper” test is if she’ll watch all six seasons of the Sopranos with you. Your most treasured possession is an autographed napkin from the late, great, James Gandolfini. Since his passing, your interest in the brand has cooled, and secretly, you worry that your Spirit of America is just a more expensive Shinola.
Laco: As you gaze admiringly at the Saarbrücken on your wrist, you find yourself wondering: Was Hitler really that bad?
Lip: You are a Frenchman originally from Toulouse. You work for the Bureau of Weights and Measurements, converting metric measurements to Napoleonic Mesures Usuelles for those still living in the First Republic. While you would prefer to wear an Omega, you can only imagine the shocked “Non!” That would emanate from the mustachioed lips of your supervisor, Gaspard, upon seeing it, and you’d rather avoid an employee tribunal. You’d win, but it’s a hassle.
Longines: You just got your first job out of college. You are looking for something classy and professional to go along with your first real suit. You will one day own a JLC.
Lorus: You are a street-peddler living in Hyderabad. You cannot afford a Seiko 5, but not for any reason that would be remotely funny.
Luminox: You constantly talk about “doing an Ironman”. You sleep in a Naval Academy t-shirt and proudly fly the “thin blue line" US flag on your porch. You make vague allusions to former service when asked, but secretly, you were only a mall cop in the 90’s.
Manufacture Royale: Liberace would like to know where you got your watch.
Marathon: You are a former United States Marine, 3rd Battalion, 6th. You wore this watch on patrol in Kandahar, where your buddy scratched his initials on the case back. This is either a faithful re-telling, or you have entirely imagined the above scenario for color at your current office job.
Maurice Lacroix: The year is 1995. Bill Clinton is president of an economically resurgent USA. You just got promoted to Assistant to the Regional Department President of your longtime employer, IBM. Having recently heard about the value of a “Fine Swiss Watch”, you decided to purchase your Pontos after seeing an ad for it in the pages of Sports Illustrated. It feels right.
MB&F: You are an angel investor in various internet start-ups. You believe in “thinking different” and “changing the world”. Having gone through the various Pateks, Langes, and Journes that befit your station, you now find pretty much every other watch brand ridiculously boring. You wear an Apple watch concurrently on your other wrist.
MeisterSinger: You purposefully wear subtly mismatched socks with your corduroys. You carry your daily possessions in a fanny pack, considering it more practical than a messenger bag. You are perpetually 10-15 minutes late to all your appointments. Secretly, you have a thing for amputee girls.
Michael Kors: You are a 16-33 year old woman. Your house is filled with rose-gold colored accessories. You shop at Macy’s, where you purchased this watch to match your handbag. In the watch world, you are actually one of the sane ones.
Mondaine: You either have a collection of hair mousses to apply based on the weather, or are an oddly obsessive spotter of Swiss electric trains.
Montblanc: You couldn’t afford a JLC. You have since taken to the watch forums, declaring the superiority of Minerva, stating, “it’s over for the over $5K’s”. Secretly, you also hate stacked movement complications.
Montegrappa - Chaos by Sylvestor Stallone: What the hell is wrong with you?
Moritz Grossman: You are the head of an old family manufacturing firm in Bavaria. Your frauline, Hilda, urged you to finally treat yourself and upgrade from the reliable but tired Swatch on your wrist. Feeling a Lange was too recognizable to the men on the assembly line, you chose the Benu Power reserve, but only to wear at board meetings.
Movado: You are either a 21 year old man wearing a Movado Bold at the club, or an 83 year old gentlemen wearing an original Museum piece. There is no middle ground.
Mühle Glashütte: Your evangelical zeal for the brand makes you the human embodiment of those “allow notifications?” pop-ups. You dream of becoming a mariner.
MVMT: You are a millennial who drives a motorcycle. You have a collection of leather jackets. You hope someone comments on how well your watch matches your sunglasses.
Nixon: You are a 32 year old man named either Chad or Brad living in Encinitas, California. As you spend most days on the beach surfing in your board shorts, you have a perpetual tan even in winter. You aren’t into watches, but your Base Tide was giving you good vibes from the surf-shop window, and it matches your leather Yogi bracelet perfectly.
Nomos: While you initially could not afford a Swiss made watch in art school, you are now a successful Bahaus-style architect. You have a membership to your local modern art museum. While you prefer espresso, you drink drip from a vintage Braun coffee maker. Apple “Keynote Days” are like Christmas in June.
Ochs and Junior: You sincerely collect promotional posters for modern art exhibits. You have an interesting job in either advanced engineering or product design at a well funded startup in Berlin. Somewhat obsessively, you refuse to wear any items with visible brand names. Even you can’t always tell what the hell the date is on your perpetual calendar.
Oris: You are frequently found on watch forums, starting, “Why buy an Omega when you can get virtually the same quality for half the cost?” You think the Sixty Five is exactly what your grandfather would’ve worn - if he was cooler, and not a rural school teacher from Iowa. You are secretly trying to save for a Rolex Sub, but need the cash for your PADI training.
Omega: You are intimately familiar with all 12 manned Apollo missions. You eagerly anticipate the next James Bond film. You refer to your Seamaster as “the thinking man’s Sub, with a better movement”. Bonus points if you know who George Daniels is.
Orient: You are a senior in high school. You love your Bambino, but as you know watches, you don’t claim it’s equivalent to something more expensive. You dream of winning the lottery. You are pure.
Panerai: You frequently exclaim, “What’s the point of wearing a watch if no one sees it?” You live in California, and exclusively wear short sleeves. You are unusually familiar with the Italian Navy’s WWII operations, glossing over the period 1940-1943.
Parmigiani Fleurier: You are the scion of an old, proud Italian banking family. While you of course have a few Patek’s tucked away in the vault at your Lago Maggiora villa, your father, Luca, gifted you your Tonda Tourbillon because he errantly believed it was an Italian brand “like from the old days, bene!” You don’t have the heart to correct him.
Parnis: You desire a replica Daytona, but your country’s customs force is extremely efficient at confiscating goods that violate trademarks.
Patek Philippe - Type 1: You took off from work to watch the Henry Graves Super Complication auction livestream. You think the Nautilus is overvalued, preferring the khaki green Aquanaut instead. You are possibly John Mayer, but if not, you hope one day to actually own your own Patek.
Patek Philippe - Type 2: You are a Russian oligarch. You assert that a hacking seconds “damages the movement”. Though you’ll never say so openly, you are secretly jealous of the finishing on a Lange. You feel reassured when you see one of those “For the next generation” ads.
Philippe DufouLaurent FerrieF.P. Journe: You are a Russian oligarch, but with exquisite taste.
Piaget: You claim that the Calatrava and Patrimony "smell of old man". You frequently end arguments with "yeah, but...thinest movement in the world." You cannot actually afford a Calatrava or Patrimony.
Poljot: In the old days, you were a MiG-23 fighter pilot for the Motherland. Your Poljot, along with your state-issued Volga GAZ-24 sedan, marked you as a man of importance among the proletariat. Sadly, in your current job as grocery store guard, only the old babushkas recognize your former glory. It would kill you to know that 30-year old gamers bought your watch online because they thought the Cyrillic on the dial looked cool.
Rado: You are a material scientist tenured at a prestigious university. You have no interest in watches, but could not pass up the mystery and wonder of a watch that never scratches. Everything from your pots to your pants are coated in Teflon.
Raymond Weil: Are you sure you aren’t wearing a Maurice Lacroix with Roman numerals?
RGM Watch Co: You are a 62-year old Boomer living in Pittsburgh, PA. As you are retired - with pension - from your job as a chemical engineer for US Steel, you have plenty of time to hobnob on Timezone.com. You post multiple photos of your 801-COE in various lights, to the eager approval of all twelve forums members. You can’t tell anyone, but you voted for Donald Trump.
Richard Mille: If you weren’t an American billionaire, you’d probably be buying an Invicta - with the logos removed, you surely couldn’t tell the difference. You make sure to wear your watch when interviewed by Fortune, with the sleeves of your silk Dolce & Gabana shirt rolled up.
Roger Dubuis: You are a Argentinian Striker, recently relocated to the UK with Manchester United. Stacy, your loyal WAG, got you the Excalibur after you instructed your assistant to leave notes around your Wilmslow mansion with explicit purchasing instructions. All involved acted surprised on your birthday. If you are being honest, you sometimes confuse it with your Richard Mille.
Roger W. Smith: You are the scion of a Japanese telecommunications fortune. You love discussing horology, but only online. You are that unusual combination of billionaire and introvert, perhaps due to your secret insecurity in your own abilities. You fantasize about how one day, Otuo-San will notice your Series 2, and nod approvingly at you with his tight-lipped grimace. In your own quiet way, this is how you show off.
Rolex - Sub (Ha!) Type A: ROLEX ROLEX ROLEX. YOU CAN’T BUY ANYTHING BUT A ROLEX IT’S THE ONLY THING WITH RESALE VALUE. HAVE YOU SEEN MY TWO-TONE SUB WITH THE CYCLOPS? I LIKE IT ‘CAUSE IT HAS WRIST PRESENCE.
Rolex - Sub Type B: You frequently re-watch all Sean Connery Bond films, asserting that Daniel Craig is not a “real” Bond. You know the difference between the 1016 Caliber 1560 and 1016 Caliber 1570. You believe steel can stretch with minimal effort. You prefer watches with rusted dials and no date. As you frequently speak full sentences consisting solely of reference numbers, it is assumed by passerby that you work for a secretive government agency.
Rolex - Sub Type C: You are a successful Italian-American contractor. You wear a two-tone Datejust - your only watch - which never leaves your wrist. On vacation at the resort in Cabo, you make sure your wrist is angled properly so the waiter can see it when taking your order.
Rolex - Sub Type D: When you found out your wife was pregnant, you rushed to purchase a "birth year" Sub. Your son will not get to wear it until you are dead.
Rolex - Sub Type E: You are a researcher who spends all day next to an MRI machine. While you never wore a watch before, you found yourself suddenly desperate for one after seeing an eerily personalized ad for the Millgauss pop up on Facebook. After the initial triumphant forum pic, the novelty wore off, and most days you just check the wall clock.
Romain Jerome: You have no compunctions wearing a watch made from the Titanic. You have more money than sense.
Scuderia Ferrari: Your friends know not to utter the word “Lamborghini” for fear of starting a rant. Your firstborn son is named Enzo. Your Pilota watch, Ferarri ball-cap, keychain, and limited edition Scuderia Ferrari for Ray-Ban aviators all proudly accompany you as you step into your 2004 Honda Civic.
Seagull: It took quite a few shifts at the Dairy Queen, but you finally got your Ocean Star. You feel like you need a dress piece too, but are unsure when you’d ever wear it. One day, with a JLC on your wrist, you will look back upon this time wistfully.
Seiko: You are starting college this Fall. You spend most days on watch forums, hoping to find newbies asking for help so that you can steer them your way. You think the Seiko 5 is the best value per dollar in horology. Deep down, you know that if you ever won the lottery, you’d trash them all for a stable of platinum Langes.
Sekonda: On the way to a job interview as a Transport of London station cleaner, you decide a watch will make you look more reliable. You grab the cheapest Sekonda Classic from Mr. Singh’s newsstand, and make sure to check it copiously during your interview. You are surprised when you do not get the job. Changing the dead battery three days later, you are puzzled by the Cyrlic writing inside the case.
Shinola: You are a Clinton, or an oddly proud Detroit native. You think the “Made in the USA” controversy was a hit job egged on by Hodinkee. You have average sized wrists, but think they are larger than they really are. You have a weakness for wire lugs.
Sinn: You are subscribed to the WatchBuys newsletter. You cannot afford an IWC. You post numerous photos of your Sinn 356 Flieger, in a vain attempt to reassure yourself that the acrylic crystal was the right choice.
Skagen: You drive a used but well loved Volvo. While you know nothing about watches, you found it cumbersome to check your dumb phone for the time, and began your search for something practical but affordable. As you know the quickest shortcut to get to the cafeteria at your local IKEA - where you get the meatballs weekly - an ostensibly Danish watch held some appeal. You are unaware that Denmark and Sweden are different countries.
Speake-Marin: ”A touch loud? What do you mean, leopard print pants with a leather jacket is loud?”
Squale: You cannot afford a Rolex Submariner.
Steinhart: You could not afford a Rolex or IWC. While you truly enjoy wearing your Hulk Sub homage, deep-down, you question where the line is between imitation and theft.
Stowa: You enjoy having an altimeter strapped to your wrist, but cannot afford an IWC. You would love to mention its WWII history, but are unsure how to do so without appearing insensitive.
Stührling: American Airlines flight 1257, direct to Dallas, seat 48B. Two hours in, You saw the Depthmaster in the pages of SkyMall and knew you couldn't pass it up.
Swatch: You are a child in elementary school, or a successful, established artist. You love color. You have a watch collection, but they are all Swatches. You wish you could buy another one of the Irony whose crystal cracked when you dropped it on your kitchen floor.
Swiss Legend: You could’ve bought the Esq. brand chrono - with the same Chinese Quartz movement - for $139, but then it would’t say “Swiss” on the dial, would it?
Tag Heuer: Your first “real” watch was a Link, which you initially saw in the pages of Golf Digest/Tennis Magazine. For the longest time, you had a crush on Maria Sharapova. The chip on your shoulder is slightly lessened when you see photos of vintage Carreras online.
Timex: You are a senior citizen, or an aspiring US presidential candidate. In either case, your grandson is suddenly asking to borrow your watch.
Tissot: You just got your first job out of college, but it pays less than the Longines fellow. You appreciate either classic or ridiculously bold design. After a long career, you will one day own a Rolex.
Triwa: You are a full-time Instagram influencer. Perhaps one day, you will regret the purchase of your Donald Trump “Comb Over” watch - but not today.
Tudor: You assert that the Black Bay 58 is what Rolex “used to be”. You take pride in the quality of the bezel on your Pelagos. You either never will admit, or say all the time, that you wish you had a Rolex.
Tutima Glashütte:As the only way to acquire a Lange would be to sell a kidney, you eagerly sought out an alternative still made in your mythical Glashütte. You fancy yourself a sportsman, though this is usually only expressed by the bench press. While you wear your Grand Flieger daily, if pressed, you could not articulate why, exactly, your watch had to be German.
Ulysse Nardin - Type 1: What exactly do you think you are, some kind of enthusiast?
Ulysse Nardin - Type 2: As soon as you saw the Minute Repeater Voyeur - with a lifelike orgy scene on the dial, complete with moving “parts” - you knew you needed that kind of artistry in your life.
Urban Jurgënsen: Was your watch produced by the Swedish Chef?
Vacheron Constantin: You think a Calatrava is an ugly duckling compared to the all-encompassing beauty of a Patrimony. You refer to the period from 1987 - 1996 as “the Dark Times”. You wish resale value were higher, but blame Patek fanboys.
Various Microbrands: You are subscribed to the “Affordable Watches” forum on WatchUSeek. You have a Google Alert on Kickstarter so you don’t miss the latest limited release. You are saving for a vintage Rolex, which increasingly appears out of reach. You are filled with a mixture of delight and despair when someone asks, "is that a Rolex?" of your Mk II Nassua. You have a love/hate relationship with Jason Lim of Halios.
Various Vintage: You are Fred Savage. You think anything over 36mm is garish. While you wear your vintage Omega (original dial, of course) all the time, you have been known to slip on your modern Rolex Sub for the beach. You spend your weekends at estate sales, dreaming of coming across an unrecognized Patek for $150, which you bargain down to a clean $100.
Victorinox: After your brief fling with Chinese watches, you decided it was time to step up to Swiss made. You wear your Fieldforce proudly in Econ 101, desperately hoping Brittany will notice it. Plus, you already had the matching backpack.
Vostok: You are a value-oriented teen gamer, or an elderly Russian pensioner. You have 9 inch wrists.
Zenith: You make half-hour long YouTube videos consisting of you chanting into the camera, “El Primero. El Primero. First Automatic. El Primero.“ You scoff at the JLC 751A as a rushed copy. Deep down, you believe the world is unjust, and fear your brand will never be properly recognized.
Zodiac/Doxa: You are a certified Master Scuba Diver Trainer. You smile indulgently at your wealthy tourist clients, who have Submariners and Fifty Fathoms on their wrist. After you've been tipped, you love nothing better than to hand over your SeaWolf/Shark for inspection, casually stating "This baby's been down to 250 feet, no problems. How about yours?"
Edit: Adding some more as suggestions. Last batch was: Frederique Constant, Junghans, Hamilton, Nomos, Panerai, Tag, Tissot, Tudor. Also split Invicta into two. Thanks for my first gold and kind words stranger! Edit 2: Some are disappearing when I make edits, re-added Swatch. Edit 3: Added Bell & Ross, Baume et Mercier, Sinn, Various Microbrands. Edit 4: Added Various Vintage. Thanks agin for the gold! Edit 5: Added Glashütte Original, Jaquet Droz, Stowa. Edit 6: Couldn't help myself, added Jacob & Co, Oris, Squale, Zodiac/Doxa. Edit 7: Added Fossil and Michael Kors. Modified Daniel Wellington. My first Platinum, thank you! Edit 8: Added GP and Zenith, split Seiko/Grand Seiko, and added one more Rolex Sub (phrasing!) Type (D). Recognized John Mayer as the Patek expert he really is. Edit 9: Added Movado. Slight tweak to Hamilton. Edit 10: Added Piaget. Edit 11: Added Montblanc, Richard Mille, Shinola, and Steinhart. Edit 12: Added Bremont, Edox/Mido, Parnis. Edit 13: Added Christopher Ward, De Bethune, and MB&F. Modified Frederique Constant. Edit 14: Added Bulova, Franck Muller. Edit 15: Modified Franck Muller, added Marathon. Edit 16: Added Laco (hat tip to Byki!), Maurice Lacroix. Edit 16: Added Swiss Legend. Edit 17: Added Damasko, Dornblüth & Sohn, Garmin, Klasse14, and split Ulysse Nardin into Types 1&2. Edit 17: Added Ball (hat tip to AudiMars and icecityx1221). Clarified that 12 Apollo missions only were manned. Thanks for the sticky Mods! I am humbled. Edit 18: Split Casio into Casio and G-Shock; added Concord and Ebel. Edited Marathon for clarity. Edit 19: Added Bovet, Hermes, HYT, Seagull, and Victorinox. Edit 20: Added Chopard, Corum. Edit 21: Added BVLGARI, Diesel, Glycine new and vintage, and Rolex Sub Type E. Edit 22: Added Chanel, Christiaan Van Der Klaauw, and Rado. Edit 23: Added Apple Watch, H. Moser & Cie, Ochs and Junior, and Scuderia Ferrari. Edit 24: Added Montegrappa Chaos, Romain Jerome, Stürhling Edit 25: Added Azimuth, Certina, Ginault, Graham, Johan Eric, Lip, Sekonda, Skagen. Edit 26: Added Carl F. Bucherer and Nixon. Edit 27: Added Alpina, Meister Singer, and updated Sekonda. Edit 28: Thanks so much for the Gold! Added Cuervo y Sobrinos, Eterna, Hautlence, Grönefeld, Luminox, Moritz Grossman, Speake-Marin, and Triwa. Edit 29: Added Balticus, Burberry, Kobold, and JS Watch Company. Edit 30: Added Lorus, Roger W. Smith, Mühle Glashütte and Tutima Glashütte. Edit 31: Added Fortis, Mondaine, Poljot, RGM Watch Co. and Roger Dubuis. Edit 32: Couldn't help myself. Added Urban Jurgënsen and Manufacture Royale. Thread is archived so no promises, but feel free to message me with any requests. Last updated: 12/07/19

That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

CONTENTS

1. Avoiding Scams
2. Fundraising, Donating & Volunteering

---2A. Donate Money
---2B. Support Fundraisers
---2C. Donate Items
---2D. Volunteering

1. OFFICIAL Bushfire Information Resources
   
2. UNOFFICIAL Bushfire Survival Guide
   
3. Further Resources
   

This is a living document and is regularly updated (last update: 10.01.20). Please leave a comment for u/TBDID or u/OculoDoc with feedback/suggestions.

1. Avoiding Scams

Bushfires and scams
There are currently a wide range of appeals raising funds for people and animals affected by the bushfires. Unfortunately, some of these are scams.
People can make a report on the Scamwatch website, or find more information about where to get help. The ACCC has also set up a dedicated phone number for the public to report bushfire related scams. People can call 1300 795 995 to report these scams.
If you wish to make a donation towards those affected by the bushfires, please protect yourself with the following information:

• Scammers are pretending to be legitimate well-known charities, creating their own charity names, and impersonating people negatively impacted by the bushfires.
• Scammers are cold-calling, direct messaging and creating fake websites and pages on social media to raise funds.
• Do not donate via fundraising pages on platforms that do not verify the legitimacy of the fundraiser or that do not guarantee your money will be returned if the page is determined to be fraudulent.
• Be careful about crowdfunding requests as these may be fake and also come from scammers. Check the terms and conditions of funding platforms and ensure you are dealing with official organisations. If you are unsure, make your donation to an established charity instead.
• If you are donating to an established charity or not-for-profit organisation, ensure it is registered and that you are on its official website by searching the Australia Charities and Not-for-profits Commission Charity Register.
• If you think you have paid money to a scammer, please contact your bank immediately.

2. FUNDRAISING, DONATING & VOLUNTEERING

2A . DONATE MONEY

Charity Search
ACNC Charity Registery - Check the validity of charities you want to donate to. All below charities and links have been checked via this tool.
Major Community Relief

• Red Cross Disaster Recovery - Recovery programs and emergency assistance in communities affected by disasters
• Salvation Army Disaster Appeal - Providing support including essential items to evacuees and frontline responders
• St Vincent de Paul Society Bushfire Appeal - Helping those affected with food, clothing, furniture & other essentials
• Gippsland Emergency Relief Fund - Relief fund for South Eastern VIC
• South Australia Disaster Relief - As the fires in SA get worse, the premier there has activated the disaster relief fund
• SES (State Emergency Service)- NSW / VIC / SA - Helps Australians in emergency situations
• NSW RFS Donations - The NSW Rural Fire Service
• VIC CFA- The VIC Rural Fire service

Farm Relief

• BlazeAid - Helps to rebuild fences and other structures that have been damaged or destroyed
• Victorian Farmer's Federation - Fodder relief for farmers affected by bushfires in Gippsland and the Upper Murray
• NSW Farmer's Association - Providing relief to farmers affected in NSW

Wildlife & Environment

• Animal Welfare League - On the ground with mobile vet centres in crisis areas, relies on donations
• WIRES - A major charity supporting native animals
• Australian Conservation Foundation - National environmental organisation. Independent & non-partisan
• Australian Marine Conservation Society - Staffed by a committed group of scientists, educators and advocates

Mental Health

• BeyondBlue - Information and support to help everyone in Australia with their mental health
• Rural and Remote Mental Health - Delivering early intervention & prevention based mental health programs

Community Initiatives

• Thread Together - Works with clothing retailers to provide clothes in various emergency situations.
• Human Appeal - Working with the Australian Islamic Centre to provide emergency supplies to people in evacuation centres.

​

2B . SUPPORT FUNDRAISERS

A list of products you can buy to support bushfire fundraisers.
Support rural business

• Spend With Them - Help rebuild towns and businesses affected by fire by supporting local business
• Buy From The Bush showcases many small, rural community businesses you can support through purchases
• One Day Closer to Rain Same as above, showcasing small business to support by buying locally made goods

Miscellaneous

• Authors For Fireys - A Twitter auction channelling funds directly to the CFA to support firefighters
• The Naked Philanthropist- Nudes for donations! You read right. HERE is an article about it.
• The Original Wiggles Reunion - Reunion concert for bush fire relief
• GenerOZity - Australian content creators doing streams for charity

Skincare, Clothing & Other Brands

• Lost Property Clothing - 100% of profits go to fire relief until Jan 15.
• Frank Body - 100% of their 'A-Beauty Scrub' will go to disaster relief for all of January.
• Hansel and Gretel - All profits from their 'Shoalhaven Hat' go to disaster relief.
• The OTHER Bag - Eco bags. All profits from this weeks sales will be donated to Red Cross.
• BY NYE - Jewellery. Item raffle for donations to certain charities in January.

Art

• Art Fights Fire - Online art auction raising funds for the CFA
• Mikaela Jane - Physical prints of Australian themed art.
• Ginger Taylor- Digital prints of Australian themed art.

Tattoos

• Little Gold Studios - Tattoo raffle for The Rescue Collective.
• LucysTattoos - Flash tattoo designs for charity.
• FLT Tattoo Studio - Selling flash designs online and raising money from in-house tattoos.
• Georgia Swale - Tattoos & Australian watercolour art.

​
How to Fundraise

• How To Raise Money for a Cause - Tips on how to launch a successful fundraiser.
• Lots of Fundraising Ideas - Ideas for fundraising events

​

2C . DONATE ITEMS

Donating Household Items & Food
Please be aware, charities like the Red Cross DO NOT have the capacity to be taking items/food you would like to donate. The Victorian Minister has said today (05.01.20) that item donation is currently exceeding the capacity they have to accept, store and distribute items. Please consider other ways to help.
Donate Blood, Plasma and Breast Milk

• Donate Blood and Plasma - Red Cross - Blood and Plasma are always important, moreso in a crisis.
• Milk Bank - Red Cross - Breastfeeding Mothers can assist babies who need milk.
• Mother's Milk Bank - Breastfeeding Mothers can assist babies who need milk.

Donate items for animal welfare

• WIRES a list of items needed to help house native animals
• Knit for WIRES information for knitters about how to help create joey pouches for orphaned animals
• Animal Rescue Craft Guild - Sewing for animal rescue
• RSPCA - NSW / VIC / SA a list of state contacts to donate items for displaced domestic animals
• Need for Feed- Providing donated hay, pet food and essentials to drought and fire-affected farmers in Australia
• Tutorial for making animal pouches

Offer your home for emergency housing

• AirBnB Open Homes - AirBnB has a function that allows you to offer temporary accodomodation to relief workers and evacuees.
• FindABed - A place where people with a spare bed and people who need a place for themselves or their animals can connect.
• Helping Homes - Connecting people and pets & livestock with temporary housing.

Donate Food

• FoodBank Provides food relief in the wake of natural disasters. Donations will go towards providing essential supplies to support emergency workers and affected communities as they recover.

Donate Items
UPDATE 07.01.20 - Although common items are at capacity, UNCOMMON, HIGH-VALUE ITEMS ARE REQUIRED. Click here for my post about what is required in the coming months.
Please do not deliver unsolicited items to evacuation centres, community recovery hubs or affected areas. Contact the below charities if you have anything to offer.

• Givit! - Accepts all types of household items for effected people. Have not confirmed if international donations are accepeted, but the enquiry form allows for addresses outside Australia.
• The Bower - Sydney Metro locations. Reclaiming household items for reuse, repair and resale. Proivding additional services for the bushfire emergency.

​

2D . VOLUNTEER

Due the dangerous nature of the fires, only trained emergency services volunteers are able to respond in disaster-effected areas.
Volunteering in your state

• LandCare Australia - Help reforest Australia.
• GoVolunteer - Places near you that need volunteers for all different situations out of immediate danger.

You CANNOT volunteer in fire-effected areas for the Rural Fire Service if you are not already trained.
Please note you will not immediately be deployed into the field if you volunteer with the Rural Fire Service. There is a process for induction, background checks and training for all of the services. Although you probably can't help now, signing up means you can help your community in the future. Please consider your communities future and volunteer if you can.

• NSW RSF Volunteers
• VIC CFA Volunteers
• SA CFS Volunteers

3. OFFICIAL Bushfire Information Resources

Australia's fire authorities have officially endorsed the following resources
NATIONAL

1. How to provide FIRST-AID for BURNS (St John of God)
2. Report fires to the fire authorities (phone 000)
3. Fires near me: Australia-wide (Android app)
4. ABC Radio: Frequency Finder
5. ABC News' guidelines for what to do before, during and after a bushfire
6. Report Arsonists to CrimeStoppers (phone 1800 333 000)
7. Emergency & disaster recovery resources (national and state)
8. Let people know you are safe
9. The Emergency+ app allows you to give your exact location to 000 operators
10. SCAMWATCH - Make sure you are donating and fundraising responsibly.

4. UNOFFICIAL Bushfire Survival Guide

Click HERE for user-submitted advice about protecting yourself and your home from a fire, FIRST AID and more

5. Further Resources

• National Warnings (Bureau of Meteorology)
• Lifeline (24h counselling service): Call 13 1114
• Kid’s Help Line (counselling for young people): Call 1800 55 1800
• Resources to support family mental wellbeing (Australian Government)
• Financial assistance options (Australian government): Call 180 22 66
• Get support (Salvation Army)
• Get support (Red Cross)
• Apply for a Grant (Commonwealth Bank)
• Apply for a Grant (National Australia Bank)
• Firefighters / SES only:
  • Apply for a discount on your gas or electricity bill (AGL)
  • Apply for $0 phone bill during the fire season (Telstra, Optus and Vodafone)
• Podcast for after the emergency (Red Cross)

This is a living document and is regularly updated (last update: 10.01.20). Please leave a comment for u/TBDID or u/OculoDoc with feedback/suggestions.

Had to toss some scraps. Sessions, Flynn, Tillerson, Mnuchin, Stone, Manafort, Trump Jr., and Carter Page covered here. Alfa-Bank, Satre, and Kushner left out (those three are boring anyway).
 
Jeff Sessions - The Fiddle
Former US Senator, now Attorney General, guilty of having two conversations with Russia's Ambassador to the United States while he was still a US Senator.
The first communication took place after a Heritage Foundation event at the 2016 Republican National Convention attended by several ambassadors, including Sergey Kislyak, who spoke with Senator Sessions. The second interaction took place on September 8, 2016, when they met in Sessions's office. At that time Sergey Kislyak was serving as Russia's Ambassador to the United States, meaning that talking to US Diplomats was a part of his job & something he did regularly indeed vice versa.
The vast majority of US senators most likely had some form of contact with an official of the Russian government at some point during trumps campaign, to suggest Sessions should not have or that anyone in the Senate actually assumed he didn't is preposterous. Session’s assertion during his confirmation hearing that he had no contact with Russian diplomat’s was during a conversation about Trump campaign ties to Russian meddling in the election and his assertions implied meetings in that capacity only.
Sessions's crucifixion was over two completely innocuous incidents that would be common for any 20 year senate veteran to experience. Not to mention, he voluntarily recused himself from the investigation following these revelations, something he had no obligation to do legal or otherwise, but did so anyhow a show of good faith.
As for Sessions’ failure to disclose what I believe were those same two meetings on Security Forms. It was revealed in May that his decision not to do so was at the request of the FBI. Why, I have no idea.

“As a United States senator, the attorney general met hundreds — if not thousands — of foreign dignitaries and their staff,” Ian Prior, a spokesman for the Justice Department, said in a statement. “The attorney general’s staff consulted with those familiar with the process, as well as the F.B.I. investigator handling the background check, and was instructed not to list meetings with foreign dignitaries and their staff connected with his Senate activities.”

Still, Democratic lawmakers demanded his resignation

“He’s lied under oath,” Senator Kamala Harris, Democrat of California, wrote on Twitter. “He’s misled on security clearance forms. It’s simple — he should not be the Attorney General.”

Allegations lacking a hint of substance that would suggest criminal wrongdoing or collusion. This looked more like an attack carefully devised by the left from the get go.
 
Michael Flynn – The Wildcard
Appointed by President Barack Obama as the eighteenth director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, serving from July 2012 to his “retirement” in August 2014. After leaving the military, he established Flynn Intel Group which has provided intelligence services for businesses and governments
The controversy surrounding Mike Flynn seems to run quite deep. His original spat with the Senate Committee can be traced back to the controversy a phone call he made in December of 2016 in which sanctions were discussed, or at least to some degree mentioned with Russian Ambassador to the United States, Sergey Kisylak on the other end of the line. The same Sergey Kisylak that would be getting Sessions fucked under similar circumstances in the very near future. CNN and Washpo, amongst others, beat this story dead for nearly a week. Drawing wide speculations as to what the implications of the sanction revelations could be and what it could mean for Flynn. What I never got is why CNN felt the need to publish pieces like Did Michael Flynn break the law? or what compelled Washpo to ask on Feb 10 Just How Much Trouble is Michael Flynn In?, when both esteemed News outlets had already answered those very questions themselves three weeks earlier on January 23rd in pieces regarding these very same phone calls before the little tidbit on sanctions had been revealed through leaks
Before they spent nearly a week fanning the flames of this hoopla, Washpo had penned pieced entitled FBI reviewed Flynn’s calls with Russian ambassador but found nothing illicit and CNN with a more nuanced piece on the same day, US investigating Flynn calls with Russian diplomat drawing the same conclusion, nonetheless. The FBI listened in on calls with foreign nationals, particularly Russian Foreign Nationals, with any US Diplomat on a regular basis and had already cleared Flynn of any wrongdoing in his conversation with Kisylak, meaning whatever allusion that was made to sanctions, was meaningless. Odds are, he never lied to Pence at all and that despite the harmless nature of his conversation, the Trump Administration, knowing the media narrative would blow anything of the like way out proportion, decided to keep the info under wraps, as well they should have.
Of course, that’s not all. On April 27, 2017, the Pentagon inspector general announced an investigation into whether Flynn had accepted money from foreign governments without the required approval. This approval, more formally, would be approval under Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA), a law Congress has very rarely used to actually prosecute anyone, despite countless DC Firms that have acted for years in violation of this law without so much as a slap on the wrist, we will continue to see FARA is a key component in the Senate Committee’s attempts to dismantle this Trump-Russia Imbroglio.
MICHAEL FLYNN WAS PAID TO REPRESENT TURKEY’S INTERESTS DURING TRUMP CAMPAIGN. Say it ain’t so, Mike! Say it ain’t so.

On behalf of his firm, the Flynn Intel Group, Mr. Flynn signed a contract on Aug. 9 with Inovo, a Dutch firm owned by Ekim Alptekin, the chairman of the Turkish-American Business Council. Mr. Flynn’s firm was to receive $600,000 for 90 days of work.

 

His initial registration as a lobbyist last year indicated he would receive less than $5,000 for lobbying, although that presumably indicates that he did not define most of the services he would provide Mr. Alptekin as lobbying under the law. ^{thanks captain nocrap}

 
Flynn’s firm got hired by some Turkish guy to do what Flynn’s firm does:

investigate Fethullah Gulen, a Turkish cleric who lives in Pennsylvania and was blamed by Turkish PM Erdogan for helping instigate a failed coup. Erdogan has demanded the United States extradite Mr. Gulen, which the Obama administration refused to do.

Apparently Erdogan had a hard on for the guy. Neither here nor there, Flynn wasn’t hired by Erdogan, never talked to him. And even if he had, all Flynn’s firm was hired to do anyway was

“to perform investigative research” on Mr. Gulen and “develop a short film piece on the results of its investigation.” In the end, the video was never completed, and Mr. Flynn’s firm received $530,000 before the contract terminated in November. But on Election Day, Mr. Flynn published an op-ed article in The Hill, calling Mr. Gulen “a shady Islamic mullah” and “radical Islamist.”
“To professionals in the intelligence community, the stamp of terror is all over Mullah Gulen’s statements,” he wrote. “Gulen’s vast global network has all the right markings to fit the description of a dangerous sleeper terror network. From Turkey’s point of view, Washington is harboring Turkey’s Osama bin Laden.”

Big if true.

Flynn’s lawyer said that he did not initially register as a foreign agent because the firm that hired him was not a foreign government. But the lawyer, Robert K. Kelner, said Mr. Flynn had decided to register after the fact because “the engagement could be construed to have principally benefited the Republic of Turkey.”

So that’s Flynn.
 
Secretary of State T-Rex Tillerson - The Cinderella Man
Rex Tillerson’s potentially huge conflict of interest over Russia and oil,as VOX gracefully puts it. Ex-Chair Exxon, “opposed russia sanctions” in the midst of a deal with Russia, spread Putin’s dick-cheese on a sandwich and ate it once.
Turns out T-rex don’t play that shit no more. And the actual events leading up to and following his nomination/approval are far more sobering than meets the eye:

Consideration for Tillerson as Secretary of State was first brought to Trump’s attention at the recommendation of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates
At Exxon, Tillerson has been known for his ability to reach complex international agreements. He also brings deep ties to Russia: As an Exxon executive he managed ties between the company and the Kremlin and in 2011 struck a deal that allowed the company to access Arctic resources in Russia. But that deal was blocked by subsequent U.S. sanctions against Russia — sanctions that Tillerson sharply criticized for failing to consider the "broad collateral damage" they caused. “We do not support sanctions, generally, because we don’t find them to be effective unless they are very well implemented comprehensively” Sharply criticized may be a bit of an exaggeration. Be that as it may, it was the brunt of Tillerson’s opposition to the sanctions, he sought permission to continue endeavors despite the sanctions, but never actually lobbied to have them reversed. Nonetheless, on January 4, 2017, The Financial Times reported that Tillerson would cut his ExxonMobil ties if he became Secretary of State. Walter Shaub, the director of the United States Office of Government Ethics, said he was proud of the ethics agreement developed for Tillerson, who was now "free of financial conflicts of interest. His ethics agreement serves as a sterling model for what we'd like to see with other nominees."

Despite worries, so far Tillerson has been nothing if not a man of his word, steadfast in his commitment to maintaining Russia sanctions. Tillerson also voiced his support early on for the Magnitsky Act, the scope of which was expanded by Trump, who earlier on had pledged a crackdown on rights abusers in Russia and beyond, to the pleasure of the Bill’s championing lobbiest William Browder, who has described getting The Magnitsky Act passed under the previous administration as a “constant stuggle,” likening the process to “pulling teeth.” Which brings us to our next "controversial" figure:
 
Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnunchin – Quite possibly, the biggest dork on the planet
I’m not sure what was supposed to be controversial about Steve Mnuchin’s selection as Secretary of the Treasury, as far as I can tell, the controversy surrounding him would stem from pretty much anyone you could logically put in this position. He is a big banker and has been an Executive Producer of some sweet films. Both of the previous administration’s Secretaries of the Treasury Jack Lew and Tim Geithner have very similar backgrounds.
In September, a Presidential Memorandum for the Secretary of State and the Secretary of the Treasury gained some controversy for delegating authority of Financial Sanctions filed under The Magnitsky Act to Sec Treasury Mnuchin and SecState Tillerson, which isn’t really all that controversial when you consider the same authority was delegated specifically to the Secretary of State and Secretary of the Treasury under the previous administration as well.
 
Roger Stone - The Ratfucker
Stone says he got his start in the political game during highschool "I built alliances and put all my serious challengers on my ticket. Then I recruited the most unpopular guy in the school to run against me. You think that's mean? No, it's smart." Sound’s like the DNC’s tactic with Trump, except when they did it, it backfired.
  I. Admitted he had “back-channel communication with Assange” after WikiLeaks began releasing the hacked emails of John Podesta, campaign chairman for Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.

“I do have a back-channel communication with Assange, because we have a good mutual friend,” Stone said in October. “

Great. He has an ambiguous grapevine connection to Assange. Doesn't anybody whose anybody in D.C.?
  II. In March 2017, after reports surfaced in The Washington Times that Stone had direct messaged alleged DNC hacker Guccifer 2.0 on Twitter, Stone admitted to having contact with the mysterious persona and made public excerpts of the messages. Stone claimed the messages were just innocent praise of the hacking.

The vaunted New York Times reported on January 19 that intelligence sources said they had e-mails and records of financial records that proved the Trump Campaign-Russian collusion. Later in January, the New York Times said intelligence sources also said they had transcripts of intercepted phone calls. So where are they? House Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes says his committee has seen no proof. I challenge them to produce said “proof”. This exchange with Guccifer 2.0 reported by the Smoking Gun proves nothing.

This would all look a lot worse right now if Guccifer 2.0 hadn’t already been revealed by US Intelligence to not even be a real person, something Stone was obviously unaware of.
 
Paul Manafort - The Sketchball
  I. Served a short stint on Trump’s campaign from March 2016 – August 2016. Notably, as campaign chairman from June 2016 – August 2016. Had further contact with Trump Campaign following his August Ouster.
By far the most confusing and unclear clusterfuck (or, imbroglio, as they call it in the biz) of this entire investigation. If Dems have one ace up their sleeve, it’s Manafort. But that ace doesn’t come without a big stinky dick up Hildog’s own conniving butthole.
A claim that he received $12.7 million in illicit payments from Ukraine’s government can be dated back to August 2016. Specifically, $12.7 million in handwritten ledgers of undisclosed cash payments designated for Manafort from Ukrainian President Viktor F. Yanukovych’s pro-Russian political party from 2007 to 2012. Yanukovych’s presidency was embroiled with corruption and in May of 2016, it was learned that during his tenure, Yanukovych paid bribes of $2 billion' - or $1.4 million for every day he was president.. It was amongst the revelations of these bribes that Manafort’s alleged payments would become known in the following months. Disclosed by Ukraine’s newly formed National Anti-Corruption Bureau.

Anti-corruption officials there say the payments earmarked for Mr. Manafort, previously unreported, are a focus of their investigation, though they have yet to determine if he actually received the cash. While Mr. Manafort is not a target in the separate inquiry of offshore activities, prosecutors say he must have realized the implications of his financial dealings.

The same Ukrainian National Anti-Corruption Bureau released a statement in June of this year stating that

The name of Paul Manafort was mentioned in 22 items in the period from November 20, 2007, to October 5, 2012, in the documents that were passed to the NABU by the Former First Deputy of the State Security Service of Ukraine Viktor Trepak in May 2016. According to the lists, a total sum of the money received amounts to 12.7 million USD.

But stressing that

However, as it was repeatedly emphasized by the NABU and the Specialized Anti-Corruption Prosecutor`s Office (SAPO), mentioning of Paul Manafort’s name on the list of the so-called “black ledger” of the Party of Regions does not mean that he actually received the money, because the signatures that appear in the column of recipients could belong to other people.

If you’re into Ukrainian shitstorms, here’s more on that mess
In short, the organization that revealed Manafort’s alleged “black ledger” dealings, even a year after revealing them, is still stressing that there is no proof Manafort ever received a dime of these MSM dubbed “black ledger payments.” Furthermore, Manafort’s work with Ukraine’s pro-russia government party from 2007-2012 coincides almost perfectly with the period when the United States was actively engaged in efforts to normalize relations with the Russian government, also known as the Russian Reset which began and ended with the (Russian) presidential tenure of Dmitry Medvedev (President of Russia May 2008 – May 2012), making his affiliation with that particular Ukrainian party during that particular time period appear far less sketchy than it would seem otherwise.
  Manapart II. He Tangoed with Hilldog and Podesta in Ukraine from 2012-2014 so you know everythings cool, baby:
One recent revelation regarding Manafort that seems very important is detailed in this piece from the Hill It looks like Obama did spy on Trump, just as he apparently did to me, which stresses the scope of Manafort’s wiretapped time with Trump. Which, essentially, was the entire time he worked with Trump it turns out. Interesting that the FBI had a direct line into the Trump Campaign (via Manafort) from mid 2016 – early 2017, yet, as we are all already aware thanks to the June 8th Testimony of Former FBI Director James Comey, at least up until that same date Trump was not nor had he ever been under investigation by the FBI.
Here we go

The FBI interest in Manafort dates back at least to 2014 (sic), partly as an outgrowth of a US investigation of Viktor Yanukovych, the former Ukrainian president whose pro-Russian regime was ousted amid street protests (in 2014).
Investigators have spears probing any possible role played by Manafort's firm and other US consultants, including the Podesta Group and Mercury LLC, that worked with the former Ukraine regime. The basis for the case hinged on the failure by the US firms to register under the US Foreign Agents Registration Act, a law that the Justice Department only rarely uses to bring charges. All three firms earlier this year filed retroactive registrations with the Justice Department.

So the government wiretapped a bunch of consulting firms for failing to register under the US Foreign Agents Registration Act, all of whom retroactively registered under FARA, and one of those firms coincidentally happened to have a tie to the Trump Campaign 2 years later: Manafort’s Firm.
We already know that Manafort’s dealings in Ukraine go way further back than 2014, at least to 2007, probably earlier. Now, I can’t say for certain under who’s authority Manafort was operating up until 2010 (mostly because I’m tired of reading about him), but from then onward, including here, he was working under Prime Policy Group, a bipartisan DC based government relations firm that employs both Republicans and Democrats
So what about the Podesta Group? The influential Democratic Party-linked lobbyist headed by a top Hillary Clinton fundraiser who has been referred to as the "Hillary moneyman?" The same Podesta Group that as of 2016 represents the interests of Russia's largest financial institution Sberbank of Russia, which controls approximately 30 percent of Russian banking assets and is “functionally an arm of the Kremlin"? That’s Hildog’s crew alright. Ooo does this get weird.
Source Try to follow along here:

The European Centre for a Modern Ukraine was formed in (April) 2012 by three senior members of the Party of Regions, a (Ukrainian) pro-Russia party led by President Viktor Yanukovych and advised by Manafort.

I. Manafort having already been an adviser of the Pro-Russia Ukrainian party prior to this date means (which we already know) that his work with the pro-russia party actually began during a period of time when the United States was actively engaged in efforts to normalize relations with the Russian government, also known as the Russian Reset
- The reset (overload) button lives in infamy
II. The European Centre for a Modern Ukraine was registered as a client of Podesta Group, Inc the same year it was formed, and one month before Vladimir Putin reclaimed his seat as President of Russia (totally dicking up the Russian Reset reset, amongst other things, not that the reset was going great to begin with but still, didn’t help.)
III. In the same period that Podesta Group, Inc registered the center as a client, Manafort referred the center to Mercury Public affairs as well, according to Michael McKeon a Mercury partner. "Our task was to bring Ukraine closer to the West," McKeon said. Furthermore, a Podesta spokesman also said his firm's work for the center was supervised by Manafort's consulting associate Rick Gates.

IV. Although both the Podesta Group and Mercury have said they believed the center was an independent group that was not funded or directed by Ukraine's government, lobbying reports show extensive work for Ukraine's government
… As Podesta Group lobbyists met privately with officials in Washington, they left a clear impression that they were representing Ukraine's government, according to seven people who were lobbied
….The Podesta Group did not dispute that its employees said they were representing the Ukrainian government's interests.

So how did The Podesta Group get tangled up in this mess to begin with? It’s not like Hilldog had anything to do with that, so why even bring her up?

V. The Podesta Group's work for the center peaked in October 2012 at a crucial time in U.S.-Ukraine relations. Europe's leading election observer reported in early October 2012 that candidates in Ukraine were being attacked, opposition leaders were imprisoned, and that reports were circulating of intimidation, bribery and vote-buying.
Clinton, then secretary of state, voiced concerns about the election four days before it was held and called it "an important bellwether" of the Ukrainian government's commitment to democratic institutions.

So, naturally

The Podesta Group went to work (under the authority of the same people in charge of Manafort)

I’m not going to pretend to have any idea exactly what went on here, maybe I'll get a little more involved some other time. What matters is that any conclusions you could draw about Manafort regarding this particular matter, you’d also have to draw to some of Hildog’s favorite cronies, and quite possibly Hildog herself, since they were all working together.
(I honestly just stumbled upon this while looking up Manafort but had never seen it beforre and thought it was interesting (Hildog’s ties to Russia if anyone’s interested. I can't vet the accuracy of those particular claims though, I only perused them. Looks legit though
Idk Manafort’s deal honestly, but whatever it is, it implicates much more on Hillary’s team than it possibly could the Donald’s. I’m starting to think he might have been a plant all along but I have no idea. If that were the case though, it would tie in quite nicely with Trump Jr’s affair
 
Trump Jr. - The Sucker

On June 9, 2016, a meeting was held in Trump Tower in New York City between three senior members of the presidential campaign of Donald Trump – Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, and Paul Manafort – and at least five other people, including Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. The meeting was arranged by publicist and long-time Trump acquaintance, Rob Goldstone on behalf of his client, Azerbaijan singer-songwriter Emin Agalarov. (The Podesta Group carries out public relations work for the government of Azerbaijan for a monthly fee of USD 60,000 plus expenses btw)
It was disclosed to U.S. government officials when Kushner filed a revised version of his security clearance form. wikiepdia

We all know the story. Russian lawyer, Hillary info, Trump Jr. claims it was merely political opposition research. Also worth noting that this meeting occurred during Manafort's first or second week as Campaign Manager and 3rd month overall working with the Trump Campaign. I won’t bore you with those details.
What you probably don’t know, is how this incident ties in with the testimony William Browder gave to the Senate Committee On July 27th of this year, or why that matters.
His Testimony was actually scheduled for the day before it happened but Dems invoked something called the 2 hour rule which pushed it a day over. The repubs seemed pretty pissed about this, I don't understand what happened with that enough to explain it though.
To understand the significance of Browder’s testimony, you have to know a little about Browder. Beginning around 2009, Browder, a super rich guy, became the target of a viscous smear campaign in and outside the US, orchestrated by the Russian Oligarch in retaliation for his tenacious lobbying of Congress to pass a bill called "The Magnitsky Act." The smear campaign in the states was headed by female Russian lawyer, operating out of a US owned company called Fusion GPS. iirc, an nyt journalist got burned pretty hard for some of the stories he posted about browder.
 
Browder's testimony clarifies the #1 priority of Russian Oligarchs is the Magnitsky Act.
 
Natasha V, the russian lawyer with direct ties to the Russian Oligarchy who met with Trump jr, worked previously with the Organization (Fusion GPS) that hired the spy who put together the Trump dossier to run a viscous smear campaign against Browder when he began lobbying congress for and after he succeeded in passage of the Magnitsky Act. She also set up an NGO in violation of the foreign agent registration act called the Human Rights Accountability Global Initiative Foundation, which claims to advocate bringing Russian adoptions back the United states as a front for the Magnitsky repeal effort. If you don't remember, Trump Jr. was originally quoted saying that one of the topics discussed during the meeting was adoptions. (Putin halted all american adoptions of russian children in retaliation to the US passing the magnitsky act)
Browder lays out the cunningness of Russian adversaries, describing how they pursue political interests and make political contributions in part via circumvention of FARA working through shell corporations and other US owned organizations like Fusion GPS, as well as using witting and unwitting citizens to set up orgs like the Human Rights Accountability Global Initiative Foundation. Also noting a predilection for playing both sides. Inadvertently, it was an affront to any narrative suggesting Trump colluded with Putin or Russia to assist in their interference with the election. It corroborates Trump Jr.'s explanation of his meeting with Natasha being as absurd as it was innocuous (for a person conducting Political Opposition research). And ties the same Russian Oligarchy Trump is supposed to be colluding to the creation and dissemination of one of the most catastrophic relics of his presidential tenure, the dossier.  
Really starting to seem like the Russians may not have been so interested in promoting one candidate over another as they were in disrupting the democratic process, and fostering chaos in general. Either that or someone has been putting the frame on Trump from the get go. Glen Simpson is one of the owners of Fusion GPS amd was supposed to testify the same day as Browder but stood up the senate committee. Havent heard about him since july though  
Another interesting take away was Browder's assertion at the beginning of the testimony that Putin is the richest man alive with a very large chunk of his wealth existing in assets frozen by the Magnitsky Act.
 
Carter Page - Trump’s man in Moscow
One of the best pieces of investigative journalism I’ve read in a while was this Politico article on Carter Page. I’ll do my best to break it down but recommend reading the whole piece. Probably gonna have to cut out a little more than I wanted to keep under the character limit.
The Mystery of Trump’s Man in Moscow

In March (2016), in a bold “Oh yeah?” moment during an interview with the Washington Post’s editorial board, Donald Trump took the paper’s dare and revealed, then and there, his very short list of foreign policy advisers. There were just five, though he said, “I have quite a few more.” The list was a head-scratcher, a random assortment of obscure and questionable pundits. One of the names, offered without elaboration, was, “Carter Page, PhD.” Who? “What’s this guy’s name?” says one former Western energy CEO who spent years in Russia, and would have overlapped there with Page.
“Strangely, I've never heard of Carter Page until this Trump connection,” Bill Browder responded to me in an email.
Someone, apparently, has heard of him: On Friday, Yahoo News reported that Page was being probed by U.S. intelligence for purported back-channel ties to Russian leaders. The story resurfaced the name of a character who’d all but vanished from the campaign, and reawakened questions about who, exactly, Trump was surrounding himself with.
Enter Carter Page, a 44-year-old Ph.D., and business school graduate who claims an expertise in Russia and energy, yet who, I quickly discovered, was known by neither Russia experts nor energy experts nor Russian energy experts. (“I can poll any number of people involved in energy in Russia about Carter Page and they’ll say, ‘Carter who? You mean Jimmy Carter?’” says one veteran Western investor in Russian energy.) Page also, as I would be surprised to discover, appears largely unknown to Trump’s own campaign.
What I did find, however, is that while Page might not be helping Trump, Trump has been a significant help to Page. Since being named by Trump as an adviser, Page, who has spent his career trying to put together energy deals in Russia and the former Soviet Union, has finally begun to be noticed in the region.
In the interest of due diligence, I also tried to run down the rumors being handed me by the corporate investigators: that Russia’s Alfa Bank paid for the trip as a favor to the Kremlin; that Page met with Sechin and Ivanov in Moscow; that he is now being investigated by the FBI for those meetings because Sechin and Ivanov were both sanctioned for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
“I don’t know this person,” said Pyotr Aven, one of the two founders of Alfa Bank, which is considered the Western Russian bank. Aven and his partner, Mikhail Friedman, have transferred much of their assets out of Russia and have been quite critical of Putin. As for who paid for Page’s trip, Aven was no less irritated by the question. “I give them money, I don’t know how they spend it, who they invite, when they invite them, I have no idea,” he said of the New Economic School, which hosted Page and of which Aven is the main benefactor. Exasperated by my questions, he snapped, “Don’t bring these Russian-style conspiracy theories to me.”
“You are engaged in onanism,” said Leontiev, the spokesman for Rosneft and Sechin when I asked him if Page had met with Sechin. “It’s bullshit. Just bullshit. You need to understand who Sechin is to even ask this question. It’s hard to have a meeting with him at all. It’s absurd.”
As for the FBI investigation, well, it’s unclear. A State Department official who works on Russia sanctions but was not authorized to speak on the record told me that, for one thing, there is “no prohibition meeting with a designated [sanctioned] individual.” Moreover, sanctions violations are not criminal in nature and not enforced by FBI. OFAC runs them.” He added, “the story doesn't add up.” What does seem to have happened is that various U.S. intelligence agencies were looking into Page’s time in Moscow, then briefed Senate minority leader, Democrat Harry Reid, who wrote a letter to FBI Director James Comey asking him to investigate, among other things, “whether a Trump advisor who has been highly critical of U.S. and European economic sanctions on Russia, and who has conflicts of interest due to investments in Russian energy conglomerate Gazprom, met with high-ranking sanctioned individuals while in Moscow in July of 2016, well after Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee.”
got my next surprise when I called Stephen Miller, Trump’s senior advisor. I caught him just as the Trump plane was about to take off, and asked him the tired, old question: Who is Carter Page?
“Who?” said Miller, and then went off the record to expound on his lack of involvement in the campaign.
“He has no formal role in the campaign,” Hope Hicks texted responding to my question.
Now my interest was piqued. There were whispers all over Washington that, despite Hicks’s denial, Page was not only still part of the Trump campaign, but its conduit for Russian influence. Was he?
One way to answer the question was to figure out how he even got on that list to begin with.
Someone else told me that the Page connection was Rick Dearborn, Sessions’ chief of staff, hired Page because Dearborn knew nothing about foreign policy but needed to put together a foreign policy staff for Trump’s Alexandria, Virginia policy shop and he happened to know Page. But Dearborn wouldn’t return my calls, and someone who once worked for that policy shop told me it was neither Dearborn nor Burt, but campaign co-chair Sam Clovis who recruited Page. “If he was part of that original group of people, I can say with 70 percent confidence it was Sam Clovis,” this person told me.
“I’m not answering your questions,” Sam Clovis told me. He refused to tell me if he was the one who found Page, but Jason Miller, the campaign’s other spokesperson, said, “Carter Page isn’t someone I’ve interacted with.” Which confirmed what a policy staffer on the Trump campaign told me: “Carter is a red herring, not a Rasputin. He’s never met Trump, never briefed him. He has zero influence, none.”
Strangely, it was not a Russian pinball that hit him; it was Trump. According to the Trump policy advisor, this winter, Clovis began to draw up a list of people who could serve as policy advisors to the campaign and give it some intellectual and policy heft. At a time when established Republican foreign policy specialists were tripping over each other to get away from Trump, “a lot of people came to Sam Clovis in February, March, and said, ‘I want to be part of the team,’” says the Trump advisor. And that’s how it happened. “He’s just a guy on a list. Trump looked at the list and said, ‘He’s an advisor.’ And now he’s (Page) milking it for all it’s worth.”
For months now, the American press has been twisting itself in knots trying to explain men like Page and Manafort, and, through them, to answer the questions of whether Putin is trying to destroy America by their hands, and is Trump a Kremlin stooge or a just a useful pawn, and is there even a difference?
There doesn’t seem to be one in the world of Trump, which in some ways resembles Putin’s: the waters of truth are muddy and deeply suggestive. And that is all that matters. Is Putin actually meddling in our election and undermining the foundations of Western democracy in a massive way, or doing just enough to make us think he is, and thereby acquiring powers he holds only because we believe him to have them? “I want to hope that this is connected with the growing influence and significance of Russia,” Putin said of the rumors of Russian meddling in the American election—as we in the media continue to squeegee them around, rarely really getting closer to the truth, and watching it disintegrate in our hands when we think we’ve finally grasped it..

I'm going to have to toss some scraps in a separate post. Sessions, Flynn, Tillerson, Mnuchin, Stone, Manafort, Trump Jr., and Carter Page covered here. Alfa-Bank, Satre, and Kushner in the second (those three are boring anyway)
 
Jeff Sessions - The Fiddle
Former US Senator, now Attorney General, guilty of having two conversations with Russia's Ambassador to the United States while he was still a US Senator.
The first communication took place after a Heritage Foundation event at the 2016 Republican National Convention attended by several ambassadors, including Sergey Kislyak, who spoke with Senator Sessions. The second interaction took place on September 8, 2016, when they met in Sessions's office. At that time Sergey Kislyak was serving as Russia's Ambassador to the United States, meaning that talking to US Diplomats was a part of his job & something he did regularly indeed vice versa.
The vast majority of US senators most likely had some form of contact with an official of the Russian government at some point during trumps campaign, to suggest Sessions should not have or that anyone in the Senate actually assumed he didn't is preposterous. Session’s assertion during his confirmation hearing that he had no contact with Russian diplomat’s was during a conversation about Trump campaign ties to Russian meddling in the election and his assertions implied meetings in that capacity only.
Sessions's crucifixion was over two completely innocuous incidents that would be common for any 20 year senate veteran to experience. Not to mention, he voluntarily recused himself from the investigation following these revelations, something he had no obligation to do legal or otherwise, but did so anyhow a show of good faith.
As for Sessions’ failure to disclose what I believe were those same two meetings on Security Forms. It was revealed in May that his decision not to do so was at the request of the FBI. Why, I have no idea.

“As a United States senator, the attorney general met hundreds — if not thousands — of foreign dignitaries and their staff,” Ian Prior, a spokesman for the Justice Department, said in a statement. “The attorney general’s staff consulted with those familiar with the process, as well as the F.B.I. investigator handling the background check, and was instructed not to list meetings with foreign dignitaries and their staff connected with his Senate activities.”

Still, Democratic lawmakers demanded his resignation

“He’s lied under oath,” Senator Kamala Harris, Democrat of California, wrote on Twitter. “He’s misled on security clearance forms. It’s simple — he should not be the Attorney General.”

Allegations lacking a hint of substance that would suggest criminal wrongdoing or collusion. This looked more like an attack carefully devised by the left from the get go.
 
Michael Flynn – The Wildcard
Appointed by President Barack Obama as the eighteenth director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, serving from July 2012 to his “retirement” in August 2014. After leaving the military, he established Flynn Intel Group which has provided intelligence services for businesses and governments
The controversy surrounding Mike Flynn seems to run quite deep. His original spat with the Senate Committee can be traced back to the controversy a phone call he made in December of 2016 in which sanctions were discussed, or at least to some degree mentioned with Russian Ambassador to the United States, Sergey Kisylak on the other end of the line. The same Sergey Kisylak that would be getting Sessions fucked under similar circumstances in the very near future. CNN and Washpo, amongst others, beat this story dead for nearly a week. Drawing wide speculations as to what the implications of the sanction revelations could be and what it could mean for Flynn. What I never got is why CNN felt the need to publish pieces like Did Michael Flynn break the law? or what compelled Washpo to ask on Feb 10 Just How Much Trouble is Michael Flynn In?, when both esteemed News outlets had already answered those very questions themselves three weeks earlier on January 23rd in pieces regarding these very same phone calls before the little tidbit on sanctions had been revealed through leaks
Before they spent nearly a week fanning the flames of this hoopla, Washpo had penned pieced entitled FBI reviewed Flynn’s calls with Russian ambassador but found nothing illicit and CNN with a more nuanced piece on the same day, US investigating Flynn calls with Russian diplomat drawing the same conclusion, nonetheless. The FBI listened in on calls with foreign nationals, particularly Russian Foreign Nationals, with any US Diplomat on a regular basis and had already cleared Flynn of any wrongdoing in his conversation with Kisylak, meaning whatever allusion that was made to sanctions, was meaningless. Odds are, he never lied to Pence at all and that despite the innocuous nature of his conversation, the Trump Administration, knowing the media narrative would blow anything of the like way out proportion, decided to keep the info under wraps, as well they should have.
Of course, that’s not all. On April 27, 2017, the Pentagon inspector general announced an investigation into whether Flynn had accepted money from foreign governments without the required approval. This approval, more formally, would be approval under Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA), a law Congress has very rarely used to actually prosecute anyone, despite countless DC Firms that have acted for years in violation of this law without so much as a slap on the wrist, we will continue to see FARA is a key component in the Senate Committee’s attempts to dismantle this Trump-Russia Imbroglio.
MICHAEL FLYNN WAS PAID TO REPRESENT TURKEY’S INTERESTS DURING TRUMP CAMPAIGN. Say it ain’t so, Mike! Say it ain’t so.

On behalf of his firm, the Flynn Intel Group, Mr. Flynn signed a contract on Aug. 9 with Inovo, a Dutch firm owned by Ekim Alptekin, the chairman of the Turkish-American Business Council. Mr. Flynn’s firm was to receive $600,000 for 90 days of work.

 

His initial registration as a lobbyist last year indicated he would receive less than $5,000 for lobbying, although that presumably indicates that he did not define most of the services he would provide Mr. Alptekin as lobbying under the law. ^{thanks captain nocrap}

 
Flynn’s firm got hired by some Turkish guy to do what Flynn’s firm does:

investigate Fethullah Gulen, a Turkish cleric who lives in Pennsylvania and was blamed by Turkish PM Erdogan for helping instigate a failed coup. Erdogan has demanded the United States extradite Mr. Gulen, which the Obama administration refused to do.

Apparently Erdogan had a hard on for the guy. Neither here nor there, Flynn wasn’t hired by Erdogan, never talked to him. And even if he had, all Flynn’s firm was hired to do anyway was

“to perform investigative research” on Mr. Gulen and “develop a short film piece on the results of its investigation.” In the end, the video was never completed, and Mr. Flynn’s firm received $530,000 before the contract terminated in November. But on Election Day, Mr. Flynn published an op-ed article in The Hill, calling Mr. Gulen “a shady Islamic mullah” and “radical Islamist.”
“To professionals in the intelligence community, the stamp of terror is all over Mullah Gulen’s statements,” he wrote. “Gulen’s vast global network has all the right markings to fit the description of a dangerous sleeper terror network. From Turkey’s point of view, Washington is harboring Turkey’s Osama bin Laden.”

Big if true.

Flynn’s lawyer said that he did not initially register as a foreign agent because the firm that hired him was not a foreign government. But the lawyer, Robert K. Kelner, said Mr. Flynn had decided to register after the fact because “the engagement could be construed to have principally benefited the Republic of Turkey.”

So that’s Flynn.
 
Secretary of State T-Rex Tillerson - The Cinderella Man
Rex Tillerson’s potentially huge conflict of interest over Russia and oil,as VOX gracefully puts it. Ex-Chair Exxon, “opposed russia sanctions” in the midst of a deal with Russia, spread Putin’s dick-cheese on a sandwich and ate it once.
Turns out T-rex don’t play that shit no more. And the actual events leading up to and following his nomination/approval are far more sobering than meets the eye:

Consideration for Tillerson as Secretary of State was first brought to Trump’s attention at the recommendation of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates
At Exxon, Tillerson has been known for his ability to reach complex international agreements. He also brings deep ties to Russia: As an Exxon executive he managed ties between the company and the Kremlin and in 2011 struck a deal that allowed the company to access Arctic resources in Russia. But that deal was blocked by subsequent U.S. sanctions against Russia — sanctions that Tillerson sharply criticized for failing to consider the "broad collateral damage" they caused. “We do not support sanctions, generally, because we don’t find them to be effective unless they are very well implemented comprehensively” Sharply criticized may be a bit of an exaggeration. Be that as it may, it was the brunt of Tillerson’s opposition to the sanctions, he sought permission to continue endeavors despite the sanctions, but never actually lobbied to have them reversed. Nonetheless, on January 4, 2017, The Financial Times reported that Tillerson would cut his ExxonMobil ties if he became Secretary of State. Walter Shaub, the director of the United States Office of Government Ethics, said he was proud of the ethics agreement developed for Tillerson, who was now "free of financial conflicts of interest. His ethics agreement serves as a sterling model for what we'd like to see with other nominees."

Despite worries, so far Tillerson has been nothing if not a man of his word, steadfast in his commitment to maintaining Russia sanctions. Tillerson also voiced his support early on for the Magnitsky Act, the scope of which was expanded by Trump, who earlier on had pledged a crackdown on rights abusers in Russia and beyond, to the pleasure of the Bill’s championing lobbiest William Browder, who has described getting The Magnitsky Act passed under the previous administration as a “constant stuggle,” likening the process to “pulling teeth.” Which brings us to our next "controversial" figure:
 
Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnunchin – Quite possibly, the biggest dork on the planet
I’m not sure what was supposed to be controversial about Steve Mnuchin’s selection as Secretary of the Treasury, as far as I can tell, the controversy surrounding him would stem from pretty much anyone you could logically put in this position. He is a big banker and has been an Executive Producer of some sweet films. Both of the previous administration’s Secretaries of the Treasury Jack Lew and Tim Geithner have very similar backgrounds.
In September, a Presidential Memorandum for the Secretary of State and the Secretary of the Treasury gained some controversy for delegating authority of Financial Sanctions filed under The Magnitsky Act to Sec Treasury Mnuchin and SecState Tillerson, which isn’t really all that controversial when you consider the same authority was delegated specifically to the Secretary of State and Secretary of the Treasury under the previous administration as well.
 
Roger Stone - The Ratfucker
Stone says he got his start in the political game during highschool "I built alliances and put all my serious challengers on my ticket. Then I recruited the most unpopular guy in the school to run against me. You think that's mean? No, it's smart." Sound’s like the DNC’s tactic with Trump, except when they did it, it backfired.
  I. Admitted he had “back-channel communication with Assange” after WikiLeaks began releasing the hacked emails of John Podesta, campaign chairman for Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.

“I do have a back-channel communication with Assange, because we have a good mutual friend,” Stone said in October. “

Great. He has an ambiguous grapevine connection to Assange. Doesn't anybody whose anybody in D.C.?
  II. In March 2017, after reports surfaced in The Washington Times that Stone had direct messaged alleged DNC hacker Guccifer 2.0 on Twitter, Stone admitted to having contact with the mysterious persona and made public excerpts of the messages. Stone claimed the messages were just innocent praise of the hacking.

The vaunted New York Times reported on January 19 that intelligence sources said they had e-mails and records of financial records that proved the Trump Campaign-Russian collusion. Later in January, the New York Times said intelligence sources also said they had transcripts of intercepted phone calls. So where are they? House Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes says his committee has seen no proof. I challenge them to produce said “proof”. This exchange with Guccifer 2.0 reported by the Smoking Gun proves nothing.

This would all look a lot worse right now if Guccifer 2.0 hadn’t already been revealed by US Intelligence to not even be a real person, something Stone was obviously unaware of.
 
Paul Manafort - The Sketchball
 
EDIT: UPDATE: MANAFORT'S MONEY LAUNDERING CHARGES ALL DATED BEFORE INCIDENT. HIS CHARGES ARE NOT RELATED TO THIS INCIDIENT
I. Served a short stint on Trump’s campaign from March 2016 – August 2016. Notably, as campaign chairman from June 2016 – August 2016. Had further contact with Trump Campaign following his August Ouster.
By far the most confusing and unclear clusterfuck (or, imbroglio, as they call it in the biz) of this entire investigation. If Dems have one ace up their sleeve, it’s Manafort. But that ace doesn’t come without a big stinky dick up Hildog’s own conniving butthole.
A claim that he received $12.7 million in illicit payments from Ukraine’s government can be dated back to August 2016. Specifically, $12.7 million in handwritten ledgers of undisclosed cash payments designated for Manafort from Ukrainian President Viktor F. Yanukovych’s pro-Russian political party from 2007 to 2012. Yanukovych’s presidency was embroiled with corruption and in May of 2016, it was learned that during his tenure, Yanukovych paid bribes of $2 billion' - or $1.4 million for every day he was president.. It was amongst the revelations of these bribes that Manafort’s alleged payments would become known in the following months. Disclosed by Ukraine’s newly formed National Anti-Corruption Bureau.

Anti-corruption officials there say the payments earmarked for Mr. Manafort, previously unreported, are a focus of their investigation, though they have yet to determine if he actually received the cash. While Mr. Manafort is not a target in the separate inquiry of offshore activities, prosecutors say he must have realized the implications of his financial dealings.

The same Ukrainian National Anti-Corruption Bureau released a statement in June of this year stating that

The name of Paul Manafort was mentioned in 22 items in the period from November 20, 2007, to October 5, 2012, in the documents that were passed to the NABU by the Former First Deputy of the State Security Service of Ukraine Viktor Trepak in May 2016. According to the lists, a total sum of the money received amounts to 12.7 million USD.

But stressing that

However, as it was repeatedly emphasized by the NABU and the Specialized Anti-Corruption Prosecutor`s Office (SAPO), mentioning of Paul Manafort’s name on the list of the so-called “black ledger” of the Party of Regions does not mean that he actually received the money, because the signatures that appear in the column of recipients could belong to other people.

In short, the organization that revealed Manafort’s alleged “black ledger” dealings, even a year after revealing them, is still stressing that there is no proof Manafort ever received a dime of these MSM dubbed “black ledger payments.” Furthermore, Manafort’s work with Ukraine’s pro-russia government party from 2007-2012 coincides almost perfectly with the period when the United States was actively engaged in efforts to normalize relations with the Russian government, also known as the Russian Reset which began and ended with the (Russian) presidential tenure of Dmitry Medvedev (President of Russia May 2008 – May 2012), making his affiliation with that particular Ukrainian party during that particular time period appear far less sketchy than it would seem otherwise.
EDIT: UPDATE: MANAFORT'S MONEY LAUNDERING CHARGES ALL OCCURED BEFORE HE WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THESE PAYMENTS. HIS CHARGES MAKE NO MENTION OF OR ALLUSION TO THIS INCIDENT
  Manapart II. He Tangoed with Hilldog and Podesta in Ukraine from 2012-2014 so you know everythings cool, baby:
One recent revelation regarding Manafort that seems very important is detailed in this piece from the Hill It looks like Obama did spy on Trump, just as he apparently did to me, which stresses the scope of Manafort’s wiretapped time with Trump. Which, essentially, was the entire time he worked with Trump it turns out. Interesting that the FBI had a direct line into the Trump Campaign (via Manafort) from mid 2016 – early 2017, yet, as we are all already aware thanks to the June 8th Testimony of Former FBI Director James Comey, at least up until that same date Trump was not nor had he ever been under investigation by the FBI.
Here we go

The FBI interest in Manafort dates back at least to 2014 (sic), partly as an outgrowth of a US investigation of Viktor Yanukovych, the former Ukrainian president whose pro-Russian regime was ousted amid street protests (in 2014).
Investigators have spears probing any possible role played by Manafort's firm and other US consultants, including the Podesta Group and Mercury LLC, that worked with the former Ukraine regime. The basis for the case hinged on the failure by the US firms to register under the US Foreign Agents Registration Act, a law that the Justice Department only rarely uses to bring charges. All three firms earlier this year filed retroactive registrations with the Justice Department.

So the government wiretapped a bunch of consulting firms for failing to register under the US Foreign Agents Registration Act, all of whom retroactively registered under FARA, and one of those firms coincidentally happened to have a tie to the Trump Campaign 2 years later: Manafort’s Firm.
We already know that Manafort’s dealings in Ukraine go way further back than 2014, at least to 2007, probably earlier. Now, I can’t say for certain under who’s authority Manafort was operating up until 2010 (mostly because I’m tired of reading about him), but from then onward, including here, he was working under Prime Policy Group, a bipartisan DC based government relations firm that employs both Republicans and Democrats
So what about the Podesta Group? The influential Democratic Party-linked lobbyist headed by a top Hillary Clinton fundraiser who has been referred to as the "Hillary moneyman?" The same Podesta Group that as of 2016 represents the interests of Russia's largest financial institution Sberbank of Russia, which controls approximately 30 percent of Russian banking assets and is “functionally an arm of the Kremlin"? That’s Hildog’s crew alright. Ooo does this get weird.
Source Try to follow along here:

The European Centre for a Modern Ukraine was formed in (April) 2012 by three senior members of the Party of Regions, a (Ukrainian) pro-Russia party led by President Viktor Yanukovych and advised by Manafort.

I. Manafort having already been an adviser of the Pro-Russia Ukrainian party prior to this date means (which we already know) that his work with the pro-russia party actually began during a period of time when the United States was actively engaged in efforts to normalize relations with the Russian government, also known as the Russian Reset
- The reset (overload) button lives in infamy
II. The European Centre for a Modern Ukraine was registered as a client of Podesta Group, Inc the same year it was formed, and one month before Vladimir Putin reclaimed his seat as President of Russia (totally dicking up the Russian Reset reset, amongst other things, not that the reset was going great to begin with but still, didn’t help.)
III. In the same period that Podesta Group, Inc registered the center as a client, Manafort referred the center to Mercury Public affairs as well, according to Michael McKeon a Mercury partner. "Our task was to bring Ukraine closer to the West," McKeon said. Furthermore, a Podesta spokesman also said his firm's work for the center was supervised by Manafort's consulting associate Rick Gates.

IV. Although both the Podesta Group and Mercury have said they believed the center was an independent group that was not funded or directed by Ukraine's government, lobbying reports show extensive work for Ukraine's government
… As Podesta Group lobbyists met privately with officials in Washington, they left a clear impression that they were representing Ukraine's government, according to seven people who were lobbied
….The Podesta Group did not dispute that its employees said they were representing the Ukrainian government's interests.

So how did The Podesta Group get tangled up in this mess to begin with? It’s not like Hilldog had anything to do with that, so why even bring her up?

V. The Podesta Group's work for the center peaked in October 2012 at a crucial time in U.S.-Ukraine relations. Europe's leading election observer reported in early October 2012 that candidates in Ukraine were being attacked, opposition leaders were imprisoned, and that reports were circulating of intimidation, bribery and vote-buying.
Clinton, then secretary of state, voiced concerns about the election four days before it was held and called it "an important bellwether" of the Ukrainian government's commitment to democratic institutions.

So, naturally

The Podesta Group went to work (under the authority of the same people in charge of Manafort)

I’m not going to pretend to have any idea exactly what went on here, maybe I'll get a little more involved some other time. What matters is that any conclusions you could draw about Manafort regarding this particular matter, you’d also have to draw to some of Hildog’s favorite cronies, and quite possibly Hildog herself, since they were all working together.
(I honestly just stumbled upon this while looking up Manafort but had never seen it beforre and thought it was interesting (Hildog’s ties to Russia if anyone’s interested. I can't vet the accuracy of those particular claims though, I only perused them. Looks legit though
Idk Manafort’s deal honestly, but whatever it is, it implicates much more on Hillary’s team than it possibly could the Donald’s. I’m starting to think he might have been a plant all along but I have no idea. If that were the case though, it would tie in quite nicely with Trump Jr’s affair
 
Trump Jr. - The Sucker

On June 9, 2016, a meeting was held in Trump Tower in New York City between three senior members of the presidential campaign of Donald Trump – Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, and Paul Manafort – and at least five other people, including Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. The meeting was arranged by publicist and long-time Trump acquaintance, Rob Goldstone on behalf of his client, Azerbaijan singer-songwriter Emin Agalarov. (The Podesta Group carries out public relations work for the government of Azerbaijan for a monthly fee of USD 60,000 plus expenses btw)
It was disclosed to U.S. government officials when Kushner filed a revised version of his security clearance form. wikiepdia

We all know the story. Russian lawyer, Hillary info, Trump Jr. claims it was merely political opposition research. Also worth noting that this meeting occurred during Manafort's first or second week as Campaign Manager and 3rd month overall working with the Trump Campaign. I won’t bore you with those details.
What you probably don’t know, is how this incident ties in with the testimony William Browder gave to the Senate Committee On July 27th of this year, or why that matters.
His Testimony was actually scheduled for the day before it happened but Dems invoked something called the 2 hour rule which pushed it a day over. The repubs seemed pretty pissed about this, I don't understand what happened with that enough to explain it though.
To understand the significance of Browder’s testimony, you have to know a little about Browder. Beginning around 2009, Browder, a super rich guy, became the target of a viscous smear campaign in and outside the US, orchestrated by the Russian Oligarch in retaliation for his tenacious lobbying of Congress to pass a bill called "The Magnitsky Act." The smear campaign in the states was headed by female Russian lawyer, operating out of a US owned company called Fusion GPS. iirc, an nyt journalist got burned pretty hard for some of the stories he posted about browder.
 
Browder's testimony clarifies the #1 priority of Russian Oligarchs is the Magnitsky Act.
 
Natasha V, the russian lawyer with direct ties to the Russian Oligarchy who met with Trump jr, worked previously with the Organization (Fusion GPS) that hired the spy who put together the Trump dossier to run a viscous smear campaign against Browder when he began lobbying congress for and after he succeeded in passage of the Magnitsky Act. She also set up an NGO in violation of the foreign agent registration act called the Human Rights Accountability Global Initiative Foundation, which claims to advocate bringing Russian adoptions back the United states as a front for the Magnitsky repeal effort. If you don't remember, Trump Jr. was originally quoted saying that one of the topics discussed during the meeting was adoptions. (Putin halted all american adoptions of russian children in retaliation to the US passing the magnitsky act)
Browder lays out the cunningness of Russian adversaries, describing how they pursue political interests and make political contributions in part via circumvention of FARA working through shell corporations and other US owned organizations like Fusion GPS, as well as using witting and unwitting citizens to set up orgs like the Human Rights Accountability Global Initiative Foundation. Also noting a predilection for playing both sides. Inadvertently, it was an affront to any narrative suggesting Trump colluded with Putin or Russia to assist in their interference with the election. It corroborates Trump Jr.'s explanation of his meeting with Natasha being as absurd as it was innocuous (for a person conducting Political Opposition research). And ties the same Russian Oligarchy Trump is supposed to be colluding to the creation and dissemination of one of the most catastrophic relics of his presidential tenure, the dossier.  
Really starting to seem like the Russians may not have been so interested in promoting one candidate over another as they were in disrupting the democratic process, and fostering chaos in general. Either that or someone has been putting the frame on Trump from the get go. Glen Simpson is one of the owners of Fusion GPS amd was supposed to testify the same day as Browder but stood up the senate committee. Havent heard about him since july though  
Another interesting take away was Browder's assertion at the beginning of the testimony that Putin is the richest man alive with a very large chunk of his wealth existing in assets frozen by the Magnitsky Act.
 
Carter Page - Trump’s man in Moscow
One of the best pieces of investigative journalism I’ve read in a while was this Politico article on Carter Page. I’ll do my best to break it down but recommend reading the whole piece. Probably gonna have to cut out a little more than I wanted to keep under the character limit.
The Mystery of Trump’s Man in Moscow

In March (2016), in a bold “Oh yeah?” moment during an interview with the Washington Post’s editorial board, Donald Trump took the paper’s dare and revealed, then and there, his very short list of foreign policy advisers. There were just five, though he said, “I have quite a few more.” The list was a head-scratcher, a random assortment of obscure and questionable pundits. One of the names, offered without elaboration, was, “Carter Page, PhD.” Who? “What’s this guy’s name?” says one former Western energy CEO who spent years in Russia, and would have overlapped there with Page.
“Strangely, I've never heard of Carter Page until this Trump connection,” Bill Browder responded to me in an email.
Someone, apparently, has heard of him: On Friday, Yahoo News reported that Page was being probed by U.S. intelligence for purported back-channel ties to Russian leaders. The story resurfaced the name of a character who’d all but vanished from the campaign, and reawakened questions about who, exactly, Trump was surrounding himself with.
Enter Carter Page, a 44-year-old Ph.D., and business school graduate who claims an expertise in Russia and energy, yet who, I quickly discovered, was known by neither Russia experts nor energy experts nor Russian energy experts. (“I can poll any number of people involved in energy in Russia about Carter Page and they’ll say, ‘Carter who? You mean Jimmy Carter?’” says one veteran Western investor in Russian energy.) Page also, as I would be surprised to discover, appears largely unknown to Trump’s own campaign.
What I did find, however, is that while Page might not be helping Trump, Trump has been a significant help to Page. Since being named by Trump as an adviser, Page, who has spent his career trying to put together energy deals in Russia and the former Soviet Union, has finally begun to be noticed in the region.
In the interest of due diligence, I also tried to run down the rumors being handed me by the corporate investigators: that Russia’s Alfa Bank paid for the trip as a favor to the Kremlin; that Page met with Sechin and Ivanov in Moscow; that he is now being investigated by the FBI for those meetings because Sechin and Ivanov were both sanctioned for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
“I don’t know this person,” said Pyotr Aven, one of the two founders of Alfa Bank, which is considered the Western Russian bank. Aven and his partner, Mikhail Friedman, have transferred much of their assets out of Russia and have been quite critical of Putin. As for who paid for Page’s trip, Aven was no less irritated by the question. “I give them money, I don’t know how they spend it, who they invite, when they invite them, I have no idea,” he said of the New Economic School, which hosted Page and of which Aven is the main benefactor. Exasperated by my questions, he snapped, “Don’t bring these Russian-style conspiracy theories to me.”
“You are engaged in onanism,” said Leontiev, the spokesman for Rosneft and Sechin when I asked him if Page had met with Sechin. “It’s bullshit. Just bullshit. You need to understand who Sechin is to even ask this question. It’s hard to have a meeting with him at all. It’s absurd.”
As for the FBI investigation, well, it’s unclear. A State Department official who works on Russia sanctions but was not authorized to speak on the record told me that, for one thing, there is “no prohibition meeting with a designated [sanctioned] individual.” Moreover, sanctions violations are not criminal in nature and not enforced by FBI. OFAC runs them.” He added, “the story doesn't add up.” What does seem to have happened is that various U.S. intelligence agencies were looking into Page’s time in Moscow, then briefed Senate minority leader, Democrat Harry Reid, who wrote a letter to FBI Director James Comey asking him to investigate, among other things, “whether a Trump advisor who has been highly critical of U.S. and European economic sanctions on Russia, and who has conflicts of interest due to investments in Russian energy conglomerate Gazprom, met with high-ranking sanctioned individuals while in Moscow in July of 2016, well after Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee.”
got my next surprise when I called Stephen Miller, Trump’s senior advisor. I caught him just as the Trump plane was about to take off, and asked him the tired, old question: Who is Carter Page?
“Who?” said Miller, and then went off the record to expound on his lack of involvement in the campaign.
“He has no formal role in the campaign,” Hope Hicks texted responding to my question.
Now my interest was piqued. There were whispers all over Washington that, despite Hicks’s denial, Page was not only still part of the Trump campaign, but its conduit for Russian influence. Was he?
One way to answer the question was to figure out how he even got on that list to begin with.
Someone else told me that the Page connection was Rick Dearborn, Sessions’ chief of staff, hired Page because Dearborn knew nothing about foreign policy but needed to put together a foreign policy staff for Trump’s Alexandria, Virginia policy shop and he happened to know Page. But Dearborn wouldn’t return my calls, and someone who once worked for that policy shop told me it was neither Dearborn nor Burt, but campaign co-chair Sam Clovis who recruited Page. “If he was part of that original group of people, I can say with 70 percent confidence it was Sam Clovis,” this person told me.
“I’m not answering your questions,” Sam Clovis told me. He refused to tell me if he was the one who found Page, but Jason Miller, the campaign’s other spokesperson, said, “Carter Page isn’t someone I’ve interacted with.” Which confirmed what a policy staffer on the Trump campaign told me: “Carter is a red herring, not a Rasputin. He’s never met Trump, never briefed him. He has zero influence, none.”
Strangely, it was not a Russian pinball that hit him; it was Trump. According to the Trump policy advisor, this winter, Clovis began to draw up a list of people who could serve as policy advisors to the campaign and give it some intellectual and policy heft. At a time when established Republican foreign policy specialists were tripping over each other to get away from Trump, “a lot of people came to Sam Clovis in February, March, and said, ‘I want to be part of the team,’” says the Trump advisor. And that’s how it happened. “He’s just a guy on a list. Trump looked at the list and said, ‘He’s an advisor.’ And now he’s (Page) milking it for all it’s worth.”
For months now, the American press has been twisting itself in knots trying to explain men like Page and Manafort, and, through them, to answer the questions of whether Putin is trying to destroy America by their hands, and is Trump a Kremlin stooge or a just a useful pawn, and is there even a difference?
There doesn’t seem to be one in the world of Trump, which in some ways resembles Putin’s: the waters of truth are muddy and deeply suggestive. And that is all that matters. Is Putin actually meddling in our election and undermining the foundations of Western democracy in a massive way, or doing just enough to make us think he is, and thereby acquiring powers he holds only because we believe him to have them? “I want to hope that this is connected with the growing influence and significance of Russia,” Putin said of the rumors of Russian meddling in the American election—as we in the media continue to squeegee them around, rarely really getting closer to the truth, and watching it disintegrate in our hands when we think we’ve finally grasped it..